I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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