she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
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While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
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Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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