i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
