I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
