So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Randomize
