Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
