in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
