Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
