i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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