I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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