he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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