I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
