Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
