Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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