the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
