??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
