Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
