life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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