I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
