chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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