We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
