i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
