Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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