my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
