why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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