rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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