Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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