you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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