There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
