I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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