So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
