I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
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My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
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How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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