Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
