Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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