I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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