Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm passing your future prison.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
