Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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