Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
