i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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