im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
