I hate your face
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
