I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
