I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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