I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
