I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
