If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize