That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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