I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
