Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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