Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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