I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
