I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
