She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
