my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
