According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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