tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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